Trader Joe’s

Posted in Foolishness with tags , , , , , on October 27, 2010 by ihateeverythingyoulike

Blasphemy time, folks – I hate Trader Joe’s.

Hopefully your screeches of horror and disbelief were not so high-pitched that they shattered your computer screens and any nearby chandeliers.

I was only tangentially aware of Trader Joe’s in the days before college – although I did have an enduring fondness for their Triple Ginger Snaps, consumed mainly at my grandparents’ apartment in Philadelphia. Big ups, Granny Franny.

Then sophomore year of college rolled around, and my dorm was right next door to (on top of, actually) the Trader Joe’s by Union Square. “Superb!” I thought. “I can run in for Chile-Spiced Dried Mango or Veggie Masala Burgers whenever I want!”

Me and nine million other people.

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I-15

Posted in Road Trippin' with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2010 by ihateeverythingyoulike

Hello friends, and thank you for tuning in for this final portion of my Kerouacian saga – minus the prolific drug use and plus a semblance of narrative structure! I regret nothing: not the tons of carbon emitted over the space of a week (get your minds off the fart jokes, people…), not the complete lack of vegetables consumed (unless you count fried okra, which you probably shouldn’t), and certainly not the codependency I developed with Australian Karen (the voice in my Garmin). I can’t go anywhere without her, now. And I wouldn’t want to. Not ever. Never.

Harry Blogger and the Deathly Hallows: Vegas to LA

Saying goodbye to Vegas was bittersweet. On the one hand, I would no longer be taunted by the beckoning slot machines lurking around every corner, promising riches if only I used my talent and skill to come up with a complete row of buck-toothed, presumably inbred farmers. On the other hand, where in LA would I find a place that would provide limitless watery gin-and-tonics to distract me from the amount of money I was throwing away in a single evening???

Anyway.

After bidding goodbye to our favorite cash-out machine and the cartoon gators inexplicably adorning all the door handles, Roberto and I hopped in the car and wisely got on the road as early as possible in order to avoid the Sunday LA-bound traffic.

Just kidding!!!

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Lady Luck

Posted in Road Trippin' with tags , , , , , , , on October 14, 2010 by ihateeverythingyoulike

Happy Thursday and welcome to the penultimate installment of my road trip saga! In other news, I recently changed my name to James A. Michener, Junior and will be releasing these blog entries as a short collection next year – early estimates have it coming in at only 1,983 pages!

Harry Blogger and the Half-Blood Prince: Vegas, Baby!

There’s nothing like Las Vegas in the morning. That’s what they tell me, anyway – I didn’t see sunlight until just about 1pm.

Having never before visited Sin City (unless you’re talking about Ventnor, NJ – those blue-hairs will CUT a bitch!), I was only tangentially aware of the popularity of that delicate pleasure known as the all-you-can-eat buffet. Luckily, the four thousand flyers shoved under our door in the morning brought us quickly up to speed.

Still in our high-roller mood from the night before, Roberto and I decided to go for broke and eat at the Bellagio. Why not, right? We’d subsisted mainly on beef jerky and gummi bears the previous day – we deserved it.

 

Las Vegas' favorite form of transportation: the over-street escalator.

 

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The Scenic Route

Posted in Road Trippin' with tags , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2010 by ihateeverythingyoulike

Hello loyal readers, and welcome to part five of my inspiring tale of life on the open road/apparent encyclopedia of fast food establishments in the lower half of the forty-eight states. This fifth leg of my journey required an extraordinary amount of patience to complete, as it was both the longest and most boring segment of the saga (just like the fifth Harry Potter book!). Next time someone suggests a twelve-hour drive to you, punch them in the neck and run.

Harry Blogger and the Order of the Phoenix: Roswell to Vegas

The day started out bright and early in Roswell. So bright, they didn’t have to light up their amusing alien-head-shaped street lights.

 

This is real.

 

Roberto and I had to hit the road ASAP, but not before stopping in here to buy some whimsical postcards and decline the chance to take a photo of ourselves getting beamed up into a fake spaceship for $10:

 

Huge mistake, I know.

 

And then the drive began. When we were planning our itinerary back in Virginia, it didn’t seem like such a bad idea to screw ourselves with a twelve-hour drive and then spend the next full day in Vegas as the payoff. It also didn’t seem like such a bad idea to bring along some baby carrots and those wax-coated Babybel cheeses despite the absence of refrigeration capabilities – but anyone who’s ever stuck their thumb into a rotting carrot and then eaten three little cheeses that tasted like day-old sweat (hey, it takes three to pinpoint whether they’re supposed to taste like that) can set you straight about that one, too. Read more »

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West Texas

Posted in Road Trippin' with tags , , , , , , , on September 25, 2010 by ihateeverythingyoulike

Happy Saturday, friends, and thanks for returning to my epic tale of adventure in the American West, minus the gunslinging (so far). I hope you do not find the sober tone of the following entry too jarring – terrible things occurred on this day of my journey, the retelling of which may shock you. Shock you into never, ever going to West Texas for any reason – ever! Don’t do it!

Harry Blogger and the Goblet of Fire: Austin to Roswell

Everything I know about Texas, I learned from the movies. Apparently the jails are scary, racial tension occasionally leads double-crossed Mexican gardeners into gruesome quests for vengeance, and sometimes there are chainsaw massacres. Potent stuff.

But Austin, upon waking up in it, did not seem too bad. Especially because of this:

As seen on the Food Network!

Keeping Austin’s dentists in business since 2007.

Vintage candy from wall to wall, an old-fashioned soda fountain, the sole employee gamely dressed as some kind of 1910’s circus worker – all good stuff! But Roberto and I were here for one reason, and one reason only: Read more »

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Peach Cobbler

Posted in Road Trippin' with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2010 by ihateeverythingyoulike

Welcome, friends, to chapter three of my epic saga. Vegetarians and people who object to the consumption of alligator (so not MalG…) should probably avert their eyes – the following post may become rather offensive to your gentle and crocodilian-loving psyches. (Hey, somebody’s gotta show some love – bloodthirsty fish have pretty much cornered the market on marine-life-based horror films lately.)

Harry Blogger and the Prisoner of Azkaban: New Orleans to Austin

Morning in New Orleans was beautiful and completely free of abrupt and worrisome precipitation.

Just kidding.

We had a long drive ahead of us, but it seemed prudent to stop for provisions. After all, we were heading into rural Texas and didn’t want to risk having to swerve into an unlucky opossum to procure our noontime meal. Read more »

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Depressing Oysters

Posted in Road Trippin' with tags , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2010 by ihateeverythingyoulike

Thanks for tuning in to part two of my Ken-Burnsian documentary series – now with 200% more Ashokan Farewell! Just in time for Yom Kippur, I present my entry on that most kosher of foods, the oyster. G’mar Chatima Tova, everybody!

Harry Blogger and the Chamber of Secrets: Chattanooga to New Orleans

You can’t watch so much as a Friends rerun in New York City without being assaulted by ads for Sonic! America’s Drive-In (the exclamation point is mine). Millions have learned how much that dorky man with the black glasses (aka former Colbert Report writer Peter Grosz! I didn’t know that either!) loves his Fritos Chili Cheese Wraps. Yet no one I know has ever seen so much as a Sonic road sign in real life. A quick search of their website confirms that there is a location a mere 10 miles from my former home in Astoria – in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ!!! Who chose the spelling for that, the Venerable Bede? We know that’s not a real place! Curse you, Sonic.

So imagine my pure and utter delight upon seeing this on our way out of Chattanooga:

No false advertising - it actually is a drive-in, y'all.

Further joy commenced upon realizing that they serve their entire menu all day, and that I could have a Fritos Chili Cheese wrap for breakfast! I will curtail my description in order to prevent my loyal readers from combusting into flames of jealousy – but I will say that a Blue Coconut CreamSlush is only partly as disgusting as it sounds. Read more »

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